Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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