there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Drake has all the answers
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
