we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
