you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
