My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
