why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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