before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
