Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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