i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Randomize
