There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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