Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Brb crying the tears of my youth
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
