it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
