Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
