sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
