Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
