look no pants
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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