I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize