What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
