I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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