She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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