my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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