I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
