you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
