You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
