life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize