shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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