I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
