I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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