Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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