I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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