i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
