I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
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