I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
