I must be too annoying 4 u.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
