Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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