My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
