the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
