I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
