Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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