He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
