Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
