When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
