I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
