yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
