I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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