dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
