y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
