I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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