You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
