i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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