Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
