That's intense
I wish life had little blips of pornography
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
