I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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