Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
