she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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