I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize