somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
