sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
