I think i peed on brittanys purse
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Randomize
