We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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