Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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