My first STD was from a foam party
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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