Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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