if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
