I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
